The Giant Ham Part 2

So after winning the 50 lb ham and taunting my co-workers with a song, Chris lead me to the meat locker and presented me with the ham. It was huge. I’ve never seen a ham that big and seeing as I didn’t actually want it, I wasn’t interested in carrying it back to my car. St Vincent’s is a big hospital and dietary is on the opposite side from the parking garage. It’s approximately a half mile walk. There was no way I was carrying a giant frozen ham that far. So I tried to give it away. Unfortunately, no one wanted it. “Oh, no, Ben. That ham belongs to you.” was the response I got over and over. I couldn’t give this ham away. Meanwhile, Chris followed me around bragging on my behalf. “Can you believe this guy? He just won a 50 lb ham. He must be the luckiest guy!” But when I tried to give hm the ham, he says “I don’t know what I’d do with a ham that big. I’d probably sell it.” So I tried to sell it to Chris, but he wasn’t buying. I racked my brain to try to figure out who is in the market for a giant ham. It’s not like pawn shops buy frozen food. Ultimately, I had to lug what felt like a 100 lb block of ice all the way to the parking garage. This was not an easy task.


Huffing and puffing and with numb hands, I walk pass the security booth and am detained. They thought I was trying to steal the ham. So I offered to sell it. This only made them more suspicious, so they made me and my slowly thawing ham sit in a secure room while they conducted an investigation. I was asked repeatedly “So how did you get this ham?” “Tell us one more time. I just want to be certain this is your full story. Is there anything you’re leaving out?”


Finally, after nearly an hour of questioning, they let me and my ham go. I walked out dripping ham juice everywhere, leaving a trail of ham flavored water from the security station to my car. Finally, I could take this beast home. When I got home, I tell my parents I just won something, a giant ham. They weren't exactly overwhelmed with excitement, especially when they saw just how big this thing was. We tried to fit it in the freezer, but it was just too big. Our only option was to carve the giant ham into several smaller hams. As the center was still frozen, this ended up being a very tricky thing. We took turns sawing away and after a long effort, we had sectioned it off enough to store in the freezer. We ended up eating either ham or ham flavored foods like green beans or Northern beans almost every night for the next 6 months.


It’s amazing how long it takes to eat a ham that big.