Ahoy! From The Phoenix

My eighth grade year was an awkward time. Bad skin, braces, bad hair, bad fashion sense, and on top of that, I was shy. I had two friends, Will, who often called me a loser straight to my face, and Nathan who I’d grown up living across the street from, but who no longer considered me to be popular enough to talk to in public. Will wasn’t exactly the cool kid either. He was at the same place where I was on the popularity totem pole at school. I was too introverted to go out and make friends and too much of a nerd to attract them. Me and Will had been friends going back to the 4th grade. We never actually got along that well. We got in fights all the time. But we both knew no one else wanted anything to do with us, so we stuck together. Along with our buddy Robert, we were pretty much the three biggest outcasts of our elementary school. By the time we were in Junior High, Robert had moved away, and Will had gained a certain level of confidence I didn’t have.

Near the end of the school year, we were going on a field trip to Busch Gardens. I was excited, but I was also worried as we were required to have partners. Will had picked one of his new found popular buddies to partner with and Nathan wasn’t going. So the school randomly selected a buddy for me. My random selection? An empty seat. I was the only person in my grade allowed to wander Busch Gardens alone. My science teacher, Mrs Fleming, who resembled the mom from Beetlejuice, told me to find a group and follow them around. If she didn’t see me with other people, she’d make me accompany her for the entire day. As soon as the bus stopped, I got as far away from Mrs Fleming as I could.

After a couple of hours of walking around watching my classmates riding the roller coasters and running around the amusement park having lots of fun, Will and his new clique invited me to hang out with them. In this clique, the three hottest girls from our grade Stephanie, Michelle, and Chastity were there. I couldn’t believe it! And they were being nice to me. It was difficult to comprehend. None of these people had ever been nice to me before, but I was happy as hell I wouldn’t be caught walking alone by Mrs Fleming. As we were waiting in line for the Tidal Wave, Will quietly asked me to try and not be a dork today, so I punched him in the throat.

“Ow! Why did you do that?!!

“Because you’re a dick. Fuck you.”

“Come on! I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Fuck you anyway.”

I started to walk off, but Chastity and Stephanie asked me where I was going and, well... I figured as long as they were acknowledging me, I should hang around. So I walked back and did the rides with them.

We got wet on the Tidal Wave. We dried off on the Scorpion. We got wet again on the Congo Rapids. We dried off again on the Python. We did every ride five or six times. We ended up having a great time. By the end of the day, we had one last ride we hadn’t tried: The Phoenix, which is a pirate ship ride that rocks back and forth until you’re upside down. Me, Will, and a couple of the other guys in our group got on while the girls watched. The ride was awful. I thought I was turning green by the end of it. Some room opened up and there was enough space for us to ride a second time with the girls sitting next to us. I decided I couldn’t do it without getting sick. Will laughed and called me a pussy and maybe I was being a pussy. But I wasn’t going to risk making myself sick over it, so I got off the ride and watched from a nearby bench as my stomach settled. Quickly into the ride, Will gets {{{the look}}} on his face. He’s about to be sick. Not only is he about to be sick. He’s about to barf on the most popular girls in our grade. I knew I made the right decision. As the ride starts to end, Will has both hands over his mouth and the operator shouts “You better hold in that puke, boy!” Will was unable to comply. He barfed all over, but somehow managed to avoid soiling the hot chicks. Once the ride stopped, he ran for the nearest trash can and continued barfing until the field trip was over. The popular guys he was friends with stayed with him to make fun of him while he puked. That left just me and the girls for the remainder of the trip.

Sure, they never talked to me again at school. But for one brief afternoon in Temple Terrace, FL, I had all the hot eighth grade bitches to myself. Lil pimpin.

And what of Will? He had to ride in the principal's car barfing all the way home.