600 lbs of Doggystyle

Jennifer was a very attractive nurse in her late 20's. She was married to a sailor who was on an 8 month deployment. As is sometimes the case with military wives, this was her chance to cut loose. Not even a week after her husband was gone, she started dating my buddy Jose. Jose was 19 years old. Privately, he would gush about Jennifer and how hot she was and how in love with her he was. I’d remind him she was married and he’d claim she was going to file for divorce when her husband got back and they were going to get married. No matter how many times I told him he was dealing with a very dubious woman, he was still too smitten to see it. She was giving him the kind of education only an older woman could give.


The three of us worked at St Vincent’s and when she started dating Jose, we started going out to nightclubs together. Jennifer would usually bring her friend Gina with her and try to play matchmaker. I wasn’t going for it. I was a very skinny kid back in those days. 6' tall and 120 lbs. I had no meat on my bones. Gina, on the other hand, was bigger than Jose and Jose weighed over 300 lbs. Gina was a little too much woman for my preference. We were good friends, though. She was really nice and I don’t believe she was interested in me either. She wanted the big boy, but Jose made fun of her all the time, pretending to be repulsed by her obesity even though they were roughly the same size. It was one of his many double standards. Jennifer had other plans and those plans were to get me drunk enough to pawn off on Gina. She bought us lots of beer. Me and Jose were underage and highly susceptible to the trappings of free beer.


One night, we were drinking at a highly sophisticated establishment on the Westside called The River Shack. They didn’t ask for ID at The River Shack and beer was cheap and plentiful. The music was your usual godawful mix of Lynyrd Skynyrd and .38 Special cover bands muffling the sounds of people shooting pool, and there were lots of highly informed debates such as “Ford vs Chevy” or “Is Jeff Gordon a Queer?”


Me and Jose had nearly drunk a brewery out of business when Gina and Jennifer decided we should leave and go hang out in a field. I have no idea where this field was. I just remember going to a field and laying on my back. I was not having fun. I drank way too much. Laying on my back was the only thing that kept the world from spinning too fast. Jennifer laid next to me and said:


“What are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking if I tried to walk, I’d feel like Godzilla staggering around Tokyo, crushing everything in his path.”

“That’s what goes on in the mind of Ben?”

“Yeah. That and I dream of being in a movie starring Laura Gemser.”

“Who is Laura Gemser?”

“She’s this half Filipino, half Italian exploitation film actress who takes her shirt off in every movie.”

“Does she have big tits?”

“Little ones, actually. But they’re still very nice.”

“What do you think of Gina’s boobs?”

“They scare me.”

“What do you think of mine?”


Jennifer sat up and took off her shirt. In the background, I could faintly hear Jose’s voice and Gina laughing.


“Yours scare me even more than Gina’s fat tits.”

“Why?”

“Because not only are you married, but you’re dating my best friend.”

“Fucking your best friend. It’s nothing serious.”

“Tell that to Jose. He thinks you’re going to divorce your husband and marry him.”


At some point, I blacked out, but I when came to, I was kissing Jennifer. I vaguely remember initiating the kiss, but perhaps it was mouth to mouth resuscitation. She was a nurse after all. I feebly tried to push her off and even though I didn’t have the strength, it offended her enough to put her shirt back on and leave me alone for awhile. In the background, I could swear I heard some kind of lip smacking action.


When I woke back up, Jennifer was again laying next to me telling me about her fantasy of a guy, guy, girl threesome and asked me what I thought of those.


“The thought of jumping in with you and another guy makes my penis sad. Stop talking about that stuff. It is not arousing.”

“Oh, come on, Ben. Don’t be such a stick in the mud. Can you imagine what it would be like if you, me, and Jose got crazy?”

“Jose is busy right now.”

“Huh?”

“He’s very busy and I’d really appreciate it if you’d shield my eyes for me and tilt my head if I puke. I have the worst view ever.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Your 300 lb boyfriend and your 300 lb girlfriend are combining for 600 lbs of doggystyle. Looks like you’re not getting laid tonight, babe.”


Later, Jose denied memory of anything. Jennifer never spoke to me again. And Gina, as always, continued to be one of the nicest people I worked with.