It was our last night at Fort Huachuca, AZ. Me, Jerry, Shelly, and Aaron had been through a lot together. Tomorrow, I would be flying back to Jacksonville, Jerry was shipping out to Fort Anderson, Shelly was off to Fort Bragg, and Aaron was going home to his native Hawaii. We all knew we’d never find drinking buddies like this again, so we decided to stay up and drink all night talking about the good times we’d had.
Jerry was the brains of our clique. He had a degree in Criminology and had joined the Army to pay off his student loans. He should have gone on to become an officer, but since he didn’t plan on staying in long term, he was happy being an enlisted soldier. Me and Jerry met while washing pots and pans during KP. For those of you who don’t know what KP is, it’s when you either get in trouble, or are assigned extra duty and have to work in a kitchen for 14 hours. Me and Jerry were fond of pranks and landed in KP often.
Aaron was my roommate. He was a laid back native Hawaiian and backslidden Jehovah’s Witness. JW’s aren’t allowed to join the Army, which was precisely why he joined. However, he missed the big rollers in Kona and couldn’t wait to get back to his island and go surfing. Living in the desert was pretty depressing for him.
Shelly was secretly a lesbian. It wasn’t a very well kept secret, and no one in our unit really cared that her and one of the Cadre were having an affair, but when her lover was transferred to Fort Bragg, she decided to come out of the closet so she could get discharged and move to be closer to her girlfriend.
There were two bars in nearby Sierra Vista. One was called Texas Annie’s and was more of a nightclub. We decided we wanted somewhere quiet, so, at Shelly’s suggestion, we chose the other bar, a place called The Sorry Gulch Saloon. I wasn’t sure why she was so pleased we were going, but knowing her, there was some kind of catch. I’d only gone to the Sorry Gulch on Fridays and Saturdays as my weeknights were spent in uniform, so I had no idea the place was a little different on Tuesday nights. Knowing Shelly and Jerry, they'd probably been sneaking out to go there on weeknights. We walk in, get a table, order some drinks, and the waitress asks us if we need some extra singles. Unsure as to why, I gave her a pair of twenty’s for forty ones and assumed she wanted me to tip her after every round.
About 30 minutes later, the lights went low, some loud music started playing. And the fattest stripper I’ve ever seen walks out and starts dancing. There is no stage at The Sorry Gulch, so the strippers were using tables for their stage. Jerry looks at me with big eyes.
“She’s not going to take off all of her clothing is she? I’ve never seen a naked woman before.”
I look at Aaron and Shelly. We knew Jerry was shy and sheltered, but had no idea at 22, he was THAT shy. So we paid the hippo stripper to give Jerry a lapdance. Jerry didn’t speak. He didn’t protest. He didn’t do anything but sit there frozen. We kept buying him lapdances until we ran out of cash. At one point, his head was getting a double grind from two fat strippers. We couldn’t tell if he was in heaven or hell. But we knew we were having a great time. By the time the night was over, Jerry had more fat rubbed on him than a pork butt brisket. Once the show was over, we continued laughing, drinking, and saying our long goodbyes. Aaron and Jerry ended up getting so hammered, they could barely walk, so me and Shelly had to all but carry them out of The Sorry Gulch. We took a cab back to the barracks and I gave Shelly a big hug goodbye and wished her all the best. Then me, Aaron, and Jerry slowly staggered back to our rooms. As I was helping Jerry get to his bed, he made a confession:
“Actually, I’ve seen lots of naked women. You can have all the skinny chicks you want. Leave the great big fatties for me.”
“Yeah. After the 10th lapdance, I figured it was a set up. I’m gonna miss you most of all, homie.”
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